Mark Agnew
Failing to row the Atlantic sparked an identity crisis.
How to overcome an identity crisis
I failed to row the Atlantic twice. And it hurt. I was completely at sea emotionally.
My problem was being an adventurer was not just what I did, it was who I was. But having failed at my adventures, it meant I had failed at being me. I was no body.
I felt worthless.
If I was at the pub with friends, in the morning I'd re-examine my conversations. I'd overthink them. And I'd come to the conclusion that my friends were bored of me, that they'd rather being talking to someone else. That I wasn't any fun any more. That I had no worth.
I no longer say "I am an adventurer", even when I take part in adventurers.
It's not that I thought my friends were secretly thinking "Mark is worthless at ocean rowing". I thought their criticism was broader than that.
I couldn't articulate this at the time. I didn't know that my Atlantic failures and my lack of self-worth were linked.
Book tickets: See Mark talk in London, May 2024
It's so weird to say this now, it sounds stupid - my short comings as an ocean rower were somehow systemic short comings, inextricably linked to me being funny, or interesting, or friendly, or worth your time.
Like, if I had rowed the Atlantic I'd be a good worthwhile person. And if I didn't, I'd have nothing to offer. I was somehow bad.
I wasn't depressed. Writing it down succinctly like this makes it sounds like I was walking around in a state of self-loathing for over a year. Mostly, I was happy, I was having a good time and a good life. It was more like a low grade background social anxiety.
And also, if I said it out loud, I knew my friends liked me. It was just a nagging feeling that I wasn't interesting in anyway.
How did I overcome it
Forget about the outcome
Firstly, I redefined what it was to be an adventurer. I moved away from the idea that adventure was outcome based - that somehow if I crossed the Atlantic I'd have an adventure (and therefore be an adventurer), and if I didn't, it didn't count.
I now focus on the experience, and the people I share those experiences with, not the outcome. I can now judge success on my own terms.
Focusing on the experience reminded me that I do this because it is fun. I derive enjoyment from adventures, not identify. "Mark enjoys adventures," rather than "Mark is an adventurer".
I give talks about my adventures and how I now focus on the experinece, and not the outcome.
I went on many great adventures - hiking, multi-day hikes, a few days camping and kayaking. Sometimes I planned them, sometimes they were organised events like ultra marathons or long distance rowing races. None of them were about the outcome. None of them grabbed headlines. Each of them were amazing adventures in their own right.
My identity no longer hinged on the external measurement of success, even if external goals were still part of the adventure.
For example, three friends and I raced around Hong Kong Island is a row boat. We spoke at length about winning, about beating the other teams. It was our driving force during our training. On the day, we were no were near winning. But it didn't matter. It was about the shared effort, not the shared outcome. And about the wonderful coastline we experienced on the way round. We celebrated.
The language I use
I no longer think of myself as an adventurer. I don't use that language expect in a professional setting or if a specific situation calls.
"I go on adventures," not "I am an adventurer".
Ironically, others probably perceive me as an adventurer now more than ever. I recently won European Adventurer of the Year 2023, just at a time when I would no longer say "I am an adventurer".
Rowing around Hong Kong was rewarding because of the shared experience, irrespective of the outcome.
The stories we tell ourselves are important.
The story I tell myself now is multi-faceted. I do many different things, for many different reasons. I enjoy adventures, watching rugby and films, hanging out with friends, reading. I enjoy them, I am not them.
Perhaps the only thing I'll allow myself to be, rather than do, is parenting. I am a parent. And that is the most fulfilling identity of all.
Aside from that, I'll never let what I do become who I am again. I'll always remember that the experience trumps the outcome both as a way to enjoy what you do, and a way to disassociate it from who you are.
I am more content than ever.