Mark Agnew
Nothing but ice between us and land. Eventfully, we walked across the ice.
Resilience is not about repressing emotions, it's about validating them
All around me the world was a dull grey. The Arctic sea ice and the water had once been a dazzling vibrant white and blue, but since the fog had engulfed us, the world had turned monotone. I knew, somewhere to our west was land. That land was our salivation from an ever worsening situation. But between us and our salvation the sea ice ruled.
The Arctic Cowboys and I were on the first night of our attempt to kayak the Northwest Passage, and we faced disaster. Between bouts of terror, I was having fun.
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Wide flat floes and pointed jagged walls floated en mass. It was a deadly maze we had no hope of navigating. In the dull grey air, it was impossible to judge distances or sizes. Frequently, I'd see a huge cliff and think we had found a way to land, only to realise it was no cliff at all - it was just another bit of ice, sometimes as small as a metre or two high. Once the illusion had passed, I couldn't compute how I'd thought it was ever a cliff.
Between bouts of terror, I was having fun.
We had to head south. We had no clue how long we'd be heading south. An hour, maybe two. Maybe 20 hours. All we knew was we had to get around the ice pack and back to land, somehow.
But how could I hold two such juxtaposed positions? Terror and fun? It's not that I'm so resilient I do not feel fear - I do not shy from the word terror, but I also really was having fun. I'd come for an adventure and I was having one.
What's the secret.
Sitting with discomfort
The secret to resilience is not the ability to repress or avoid stressful and negative emotions. Resilient people and non-resilient people feel the same stress, fear, sadness and other overwhelming emotions.
The difference is, resilient people can feel stressed and perform their task. They can sit with the discomfort of negative emotions and continue.
That's easier said than done.
How to - an act of extreme validation
If you try and fight your emotions, you spend your energy in a battle with those emotions and win, loss or draw, that energy could be better spent. Lets say you do, miraculously, fight the fear and somehow get rid of it, the task is still in the exact same state of undoneness and you've just wasted your time and focus making sure you aren't scared.
In the face of a stressful situation, being stressed is the natural reaction. When something's scary, you get scared. When something is sad, you get sad. Accepting that is the first step of sitting with discomfort.
Validate your feelings: "I am stressed. That is normal and expected in this stressful situation."
The greyness of the world made it impossible to judge distances.
Once you have validated the feelings, you can then spend your energy on the situation and the solution, instead of the feelings.
"These emotions are normal. I will sit with them while I work on a solution. I won't try and control my feelings, I shall focus on what I can control"
Ironically, once you have acknowledged the feelings as normal, they lose some of their power and are more likely to disappear than if you actively tried to suppress them.
As the ice pack shifted around us on the first night of our expedition, I said: "I'm a bit terrified. That's normal, because this is a terrifying situation. I wont be terrified of being terrified. I will sit with the terror and focus on the solution. I know I can kayak for hours and hours - that's the only way out of this mess, so lets get to it."
Then, through the fog and through the emotions, I managed to have the time of my life. It was great fun. It took 14 hours, and for part of it we had to get out of the kayaks and drag over the ice, but we made it back to safety eventually.
Eileen turned to us as we stood on we land, safe for the first time in hours, and shouted: "We are explorers!". We all hugged, jubilant to be safe and having had a good time too. And I did it all, not because I wasn't afraid or because I managed to rid myself of fear. I did it while I was afraid. I sat with discomfort and had the time of my life.